SHORT HORROR STORIES #8
THE YOGI
The thick smell of Ayurvedic incense wafts past his door, lit profusely not for the scent but to mask the otherwise pungent odour of marijuana. His bookshelf lined with half read Deepak Chopra and Sadhguru books.
Neat bottles of Ayurvedic pills sit on his desk, on closer inspection of the ingredients ‘…cumin…turmeric…asafoetida…’ the bottles contain nothing more than curry in pill form.
He drinks complete food shakes to cover up the lack of cooking skill, or as he tells me to make eating convenient. As though the body was a plant with a liquid diet designed to photosynthesize.
The yellowing of his skin, alludes to acute liver failure, possibly down to the evenings spent getting drunk on whisky. Perhaps the yellowing is from the advancement of an STD infection from the cattle stock line of daily fresh tinder meat. He’s vegan for the environment… despite the pussy he eats.
I tell him the alcohol industry produces far greater emissions than the meat industry. He ignores me and continues …’that’s why I like having yeasty beers and eating yeasty pussies, it’s good for gut health’.
I think to myself ‘What the hell did I just hear’???
He continues talking casually, he tells me he’s bi as it’s better to be gender fluid & open minded… I’ve tuned out, I’m still disturbed by my imagination, all I can imagine is him is eating a thick frosting of yeast from a Vagina with a Yeast infection… I shudder… Somehow, I begin to wonder if there is a subculture on porn sites dedicated to Yeast Infection Eating?!?! I search surprisingly 0 results come up. Outraged at the lack of male degrading content in the misogynistic porn world, I somehow become a supporter of Vaginal Yeast Infection eating Porn, as long as it’s a man eating it…. misandry is surely the antidote to misogyny right?
I guide my wandering mind back to the conversation…
It seems he has managed to complain about each and every one of his friends, his boss, colleagues and a few past girlfriends. I tune out again, this time watching him instead of watching the line of dribble escaping his mouth.
He relaxes on a chair, legs spread far apart, taking as much space in the room as possible. He is relaxed but an unease hangs around him and I can’t quite put my finger on why. He wears brand labels from head to toe… Versace…Gucci…DG…Yeezy. He tells me he’s not materialistic at all, he just likes nice things, plus ‘it makes it easier to take women to bed if they think you have money’. However, he tells me ‘he does own more nice things than his friends’… but that is not materialism…
He tells me he is lucky to have a sixth sense, he can detect people’s ‘vibes’ when they walk into a room. He puts people into two boxes ‘good’ and ‘bad’. By ‘good’ he means people like himself and ‘bad’ he means unlike himself. Then he goes on another tangent “…I like India, you know, but not Indian people…Indian girls are too hairy… I don’t like curry, you know? But I like eating it, you know?… I like yoga because it’s not really from India…”
I am awestruck, this man has convincingly fooled himself into believing that he is a liberal minded, un-materialistic, centered person, who can detect vibes and is most definitely not racist.
I wonder to myself, ‘has his self-delusion transcended Earth in its entirety?’.